I read this article about Gen-Xers in time entertainment with a youtube video about a book written by Jeff Gordinier called: “X saves the World”.Â Â I loved what he had to say about the Gen-X. Being a Gen-Xer myself there are a lot of things I don’t really understand or often don’t fit in. A question came up. Are we a minority group? The Baby boomers there were massive, came with force and are still holding on to power in this world. The generation after us the so called Millennial’s are also much a bigger force and seem to become or already are the dominant force today. In between is the kind of “forgotten”, “the lost” generation. Or the one that seems to have accomplished little. Gordinier says that we have a kind of middle child mentality because we are in “betweeners”. So we do things different. Watch the video. Very insightful. I want to get my hands on the book 🙂
No it is not a new computer. Just a little sketch A5 din with a black front cover. plain white paper held together with a spiral book binding. Even thogh I try to keep everything I can on my laptop and write most of my stuff on the computer there is always a need for paper.Â
I also always wanted to write a diary, but gave up the thought before I ever started. (except when I was in my extremly depressed and melancholic teens a looooong tie ago) So this will not be a diary where I turn my feelings inside out and confess my worst thought and sins and glorify my experiences. No I am thinking more of ideas, perhaps notes of insights I gain and if it goes really well perhaps some lyrics for a song or a sketch of some landscape ….. who knows 🙂
Some of it may land here in a future post, we’ll see. Honestly I just like the thought of having a black spiral sketchbook in my bag. It makes me feel arty and intelectual.
Today is another one of those days that only come once a year. It is my birthday, or the day my mother labored me into this world in pain. In a strange world that often times seems hostile to me with all it's conflicts and hardships. But also a world that was made for me to live in. I mean there is everything on this planet we need to have a great life. Most of the people on this planet don't have this option and struggle through their lives. some can call themselves lucky. This post is getting a bit gloomy. I mean that looking back on my journey all those years I consider myself fortunate. (Thank you God for showing up in my life, you made all the difference).
40 was the kind of magic number as an "age number". Mid-life; time to look back and be depressed. Somehow with 41 I look at life different. I somehow processed through alot of things in my life and things became clearer and it feels like I am coming into a new phase, perhaps a new fork on my journey. I am not quite there yet, but I can sense and see some of the changes. To be honest I can even get a bit excited about it. So for me 40 is soooo five minutes ago. long live 41.
For everyone who wonders what all this rambling is about….. I don't know either. But to assure you. I have not gotten a tattoo nor a gold chain for my neck. Yet :-)
This last week has been an emotional roller coaster. I don’t mean this negative, even though there are some sad memories attached to my journey. It is just very exhausting to be confronted with my past nearly thirty years.
To travel to Switzerland every two years is always very emotionally draining to me. Even though we have a great time here we first go into culture shock, then into being confronted with an old life that we left behind, even though it seems to still be here. Then usually the sadness sets in. A feeling of loss. Then I start to evaluate my life. I ask myself if it is time to come back and settle into a "normal" swiss life where nothing seems to change. After all this we leave for Asia for another two years.
Last week was special. I was at my brothers Birthday party and we watched pictures from the time I was in my teens. It was all about the YMCA boyscout where I became a Christian and which was my community or church till I was twenty. We had a good laugh and I felt connected again to many people I haven’t seen for a long time. I dived into nostalgia for a moment.
The day before we went to go through our "stuff" we stored when we left over nine years ago. We threw away alot to make space. We reduced our "stuff" to 50 %. I couldn’t believe the things we kept. This was before we had a computer and so we stored a vast amount of papers. At the end I held a big box with all the exam papers and study books from my theology studies in my hands and said: "this is ten years of my life". I got rid of this as well. It felt good to clean up. In the evening we were emotionally exhausted. I felt alot of sadness. It was another big chapter of my life that passed through my hands.
On Sunday I went to the Vineyard church. After being away for more then nine years away from Berne I realized that I moved on and changed. I am a visitor in a church where I invested ten years of my life and where I learned alot of things that helped me on my way and at the same time brought alot of pain to my life (perhaps I will write about this another time). It is always very precious to meet people I haven’t seen for a long time. After the service we sat around for two hours chatting. It was very nice. Relationships are a very precious thing.
So to recover from the emotional ups and downs I will go down to the river Aare reviving my soul by jogging my heart out while listening to the lamenting music of "the black Peppercorns".
Sometimes life gets so busy and I don’t know why. All the things that happen around me as well in the wider circle of life. What I mean is family life, relationships, but also all the news I get from things I have absolutely no influence in. Like the Storm that happened in Burma and the ongoing suffering of those people and the earthquake in China with people dying under the rubble. Sometimes I want to shut all the news out and just have not to deal with any bad news from the world or close by. It starts hurting when it comes closer to home…
Yesterday my youngest son fell and cut his lips needing five stitches. He is so brave and I am proud of how he took the pain and the fixing up in hospital. I thought why can’t we have a brake from things like this. I realized under how much stress I am lately from the things going on in my life and around me ( not only my 40th. birthday 🙂 . How quickly can things without warning or preparation, how little control do we have in our lives.
I know as a follower of Jesus we suck it up and say He is in control. I believe this and experienced it many times in the past. Still there is no guarantee that we or loved one’s won’t suffer. This is sometimes hard to bear and not easily discarded with a slogan or a some bible verse. This is where faith gets tested, where we will hang on or let go, the place where we just might cry out to God and wait in desperation.
I have waited for this the last 100 days or so. I kept a count down widget on my desktop. Today it displayed fireworks. I am officially over the 40 years barrier….. and …….. there is no difference to 39. So far. I guess I went trough different faces the last few months
Indifference From Not barely being aware of my age and honestly not thinking about it. to Realizing in (specially) while doing sports, that a teenager can beat you
Denial From "Age is not important, it is how young I feel". "I am not old, I am just getting more mature" to "Midlife-crisis is a myth to "Help!!! I am getting bold
Devastation From "my youth has faded, I am old" to "I’m going to die"! to "This is the last day of my life"
God give me grace to face the next forty years!
… and to all you out there hitting forty soon, it is actually not that bad after all.
The new year has started and it is our ninth year in Thailand. Somehow it feels surreal. Where have the years gone? It doesn’t feel that long. I am back to work trying to get myself organized, writing project proposals for some water projects and finishing the accounts. Tomorow I am heading to the language school to see about Thai studies. Yeah right! After all these years I feel this is the thing I need to do. After all I talked for a long time about it and also encouraging everybody to stick to their Thai studies. Another thing I would like to do is the TEFL course (teaching English as a foreign language) This will help me for future English teaching projects. That one will probably have to wait till the second half of the year. Otherwise I keep on doing the projects with the Lahu villages. I also hope to do more music. Perhaps I will be able to record some of the worship songs I wrote over the years. There is many other things I think and dream about. So I just keep adding to a long list of things I would like to see.